Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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