Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize