Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just want nice things and good sex
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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