I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
