I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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