i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I woke up under a house in Key West
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