This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
