We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
