she kept yelling 'call me bella'
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
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We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
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My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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