life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
How's work?
Spinning.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
