The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I FOUND THE LEGS
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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