Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
