Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
