he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
