Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
