phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
