If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
