I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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