those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
