i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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