The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I touched a dick in church today
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