6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
