I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
