I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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