Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
