My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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