I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
