I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
