I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
