Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
