ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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