whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
