All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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