yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
