oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
