I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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