Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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