She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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