after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same