I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
