well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
