Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
