This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
