Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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