You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
