it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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