She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
