OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
