I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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