Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
