she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
