he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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