Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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