Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
