i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
