just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
