all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
